Brodie : Don't worry Gwen, he didn't mean it.
Gwen : He's got a funny way of showing it by elbowing me in my fuckin' tit!
Jay : I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humpin' your Mom last night. Nooj.
Brodie (walking backwards) : Brandi is the past my friend! Face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage.
*bangs head on rafter*
TS : You should heed your own advice.
*Willam's staring at a magic eye picture*
Kid : What's he doing?
Teacher : Oh, if you look at it for long enough, a hidden picture appears.
Kids : Ohhh, can we do it, please, please?
Willam : *rolls eyes*
Teacher : Go ahead, but hurry, the Easter Bunny's waiting.
Kid 2 : Wow, it's a schooner!
Willam : Hahaha...you dumb bastard. It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat!
Kid : A schooner IS a sailboat, stupid-head.
Willam : ...YOU KNOW WHAT?! THERE
IS NO EASTER BUNNY! OVER THERE, THAT'S JUST A GUY IN A SUIT!
Ivanna the Topless Fortune Teller : Gentlemen...free your mind.
Brodie : I'd like to free something.
*Brodie starts playing ice hockey on his Genesis*
Renee : What are you doing?
Brodie : Finishing my game.
Renee : No way, you promised me breakfast.
Brodie : Breakfast? Breakfast Schmekfast, look at the score for gods sake, it's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Renee But Hartford, the Whale? Hell, they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
*kid is sitting on an escalator step*
TS : What? You know that kid?
Brodie : Hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!
TS : Man, what is with you today?
Brodie : Hey don't get me wrong, I don't mean the kid harm, but the mother should be made to go through that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!
TS : Let it go.
Brodie : Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!
Brodie : Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
TS : No, why do you ask?
Brodie : I never farted in front of Renee, not once. Then last week I let one slip, today she dumps me.
TS : Come on, Renee's not the shallow type...
Brodie : She was going down on me at the time.
TS : Shut up!
Brodie: What can I say? I was feeling very relaxed, when I feel relaxed, I squirt.
TS : If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
Brodie : Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.
Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?
TS : Sure, why not?
Brodie : He's an alien, for christs sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. And that would kill him.
TS : ...how did I go from 'hot Floridian sex with Brandi' to 'Man-of-Steel coital debates here in the food court'?
Brodie : Cookie stand ain't part of the food court.
TS : Of course it is.
Brodie : The food court's downstairs, the cookie stand's upstairs, it's not like we're talking quantom physics here.
TS : The cookie stand is an eatery and eateries are part of the food court!
Brodie : Bullshit!! Eateries that operate within the designated square
downstairs qualify as food court, anything operating outside of said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.
*Shannon runs into Brodie, spilling his drink*
Shannon : What? You wanna say something?
Brodie: Yeah! About a million things! But I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand 'em all!
Shannon : Asshole.
Brodie : Prick!
Shannon : Fuck you.
*Willam still can't see the hidden picture*
Jay : Tell you what you need is a fatty boom batty chronic blunt! And I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing that lesbian shit! Look at me, look at me you sloppy bitch!
*on a live dating show*
Gil : Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie : Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
Gil : I didn't kiss any guy backstage, I swear! Pff, I'm not gay!
Brodie : Hey, suitorette, this guy's a homophobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?!
Gil : I don't hate gay people!
Brodie : So you love them?
Gil : Yes!...I mean, no!!
Brodie : Textbook closet case - Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.
*knocks LaFours out with a baseball bat*
Jay : Come, son of Jor-El! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! Snootchy-bootchies, ahahahaha!
*talking about 15 year-old Trisha's sex book*
TS : Your parents know about this?!
Trisha : Of course!
TS : That's incredible.
Brodie : That is criminal! That kid is back on the escalator again!
Brodie : You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's grossout mother after she called him "low class".
TS : That wasn't me, that was you!
Brodie : ...oh yeah.
TS : And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
Brodie : No wonder the bitch went down so fast.
*reading Brodie's 'Dear John' letter*
TS : Man, she calls you 'callow' in here.
Brodie : You say that like it's bad.
TS : Well...it means 'frighteningly weak-willed'.
Brodie : Really? Shit. That's the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.
*Brodie is trying to get into the comic book store*
Brodie : Hey, what's going on in there?
Steve-Dave : I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.
Brodie : Warned?! What the fuck are you talking about?
Walt : Tell him, Steve-Dave!
Brodie : Fuck you, fanboy!
TS : Can you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.
Brodie : I'm not going anywhere 'til I find out why I can't get my comics!
Steve-Dave : You have to ask me nicely!
*Brodie attacks him, gets restrained by security guard*
Brodie : What, you guys think just 'cause a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?! I'll fuckin' take all you on!
Voice (off-screen) : SOMEONE GET A MEDIC, THERE'S A LITTLE BOY CAUGHT IN THE ESCALATOR!
*security guard runs off*
Walt : Hey, get back here and arrest this goon!
Brodie : You're fuckin' next! *attacks Walt*
~ Mallrats