'Anonymous' - an AvP comedy fanfic

[Xenomrph]

You read that right. An AvP COMEDY story. I got the idea last night whilst chatting with Renegade2501 on AIM. I thought to myself, a true comedy story has never been written in the AvP universe to my knowledge, not even in the EU or anything. I've never written comedy before, but I figured I'd give it a run.

In this first part, we've got a pair of Alien drones, well, conversing. Keep in mind, these are Aliens, folks.

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"Hey, 244."

"Yeah?"

"You ever wonder why we're here?"

Drone #244 turned to look at his associate, Drone #103. "What?"

"Do you ever wonder why we're here. One of your ears not working?"

244 would have blinked, had he had eyes. "The Queen told us to stay right here, in this spot. Seems good enough to me. What's to wonder about? She hisses a command, we do what she says. Seems straightforward enough."

"Oh, come on," 103 thought, having no need to do anything more than think to convey his messages telepathically. "Didn't you hear about that hive off in the Zeta II system? Queen there told all of her Drones, 'Run at the sentryguns!', and then proceeded to evacuate the hive herself while the whole place exploded. Doesn't that make you doubt the Queen's motives? Do you really think she cares about us?"

"The Queen does whatever is best for the survival of the species. Speaking of survival, if you wanna talk about treasonous topics like doubting the Queen's plans, try not doing it telepathically." 244 audibly hissed. "According to the last memo, our kind can read minds. Specifically, eachother's."

"We get memos?" 103 said, mildly surprised.

"Yeah. Last staff meeting they started giving 'em out."

"We have staff meetings?"

"By the Queen-Mother... what do you think we do, just sit around and wait for more prey to blindly stumble into the nest?"

"...it's what I've been doing... Worked the last time, didn't it?"

"Yeah, but Drone #77 got shot like a sitting Rynth. I liked #77."

"I thought we weren't supposed to get attached to eachother? We're just 'Part Of The Hive'"

"Yeah, well... 77 and I got kinda attached."

"...how?" 103 asked, incredulously. "You're asexual. Shit, the Queen doesn't even have a gender. She isn't even a she. We just call her a she out of habit, and because it gets her off. Of course, she can't 'get off'. And because she could simply order us to go engage the enemy and get ourselves killed, and then make a new one just like us"

"Um, right."

"So how'd you get 'attached'?"

"I don't wanna talk about this anymore."

"Come on. Spill the beans. It's not like 77 is going to haunt you from beyond the grave."

"Yes, she... er.. he-- *it* will. I never said 77 was dead. Only shot. Lost an arm"

"Oh! So where is Gimpy stationed now?"

"Hey, don't call it that!" 244 hissed loudly.

"Or what? It'll slap me around with its gimp arm? Where is Gimpy stationed now, anyway?"

"Front lines. Rumor mill says the humans are gonna storm the gate any day now."

"Front lines, 'ey? Queen sent 77 there to *die*."

"Don't think things like that!"

"Why? Because it's true? Why else would the Queen send Gimpy off to the front? Make room for more of us lackeys!"

"Lackeys? Show some species pride, 103. Is that all you think we are? Lackeys?"

"What? Do you see me with a smooth head? I certainly don't see one on yours. I ain't no Warrior. With their independent thought... and license to kill..." 103 rambled on.

"We can kill." 244 commented.

"...we can?" 103 looked up.

"Yeah. In the last memo. The ones you don't read." 244 continued, as if reciting from memory. "'Under special circumstances, all Drones may impart in the behavior known as homicide, should it directly benefit the Hive such that Killing would be more profitable than merely Capturing'. Right there in writing."

"Writing? We have no eyes. How'd you read that?"

"It's a figure of speech."

"And why does it make no sense? Couldn't it have just said, "Yo, folks, you can kill people if it makes sense to do so."

"The Queen obviously wanted it to seem... professional. We've got a reputation to maintain as a species, remember?"

"244." 103 started, staring intently at his compatriot. "We're a parasitic race with acid for blood. We murder innocent sentient beings by implanting our young in their stomachs in an effort to increase our numbers."

"And we're very professional about it, too."

"If I had eyes, I would roll them at you now. Over and over again"

"...I thought we grew up in the host's lungs, though."

"Huh?"

"The lungs. Isn't that where the babies grow?"

"You want me to give you the birds and the bees speech? 'This is where babies come from'?"

"No, seriously. You said the stomach."

"Yeah, that's because that's where Aliens come from. The stomach is the only place big enough to hold an embryo without killing the host."

"Huh. You learn something new every day."

"Drones!" Barked a Warrior Alien, marching past. "Why aren't you at your posts?"

244 and 103 stood at attention. "Um.. this is our post. Sir. Hive corridor 21-C."

"Right. Carry on." The Warrior kept moving.

Drone 103 waited until the Warrior was well down the next corridor. "Warrior # 12. Fuckin' prick."

"I know. Acts like he owns the place. Like he's some sort of elite. He's gonna die, you know. Hell, it's halfway tempting to cripple him myself"

"Nah, let the humans do it. He'll walk out on one of those new-fangled sentry guns they like to use, and won't even see it coming."

"And I'll laugh."

"You and me both."

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Well, that's all I'm gonna do for now. It's almost 3AM, and I'm tired. Although a lot of this dialogue is probably spawning from my sleep-deprived mind. Needless to say, we're just getting started. I haven't even introduced the Marines or Predators yet.

[evilknick]

*suddenly, the predator who got a perm instead of dreads enters the hive*

[Xenomrph]

That will come later.

[Alienclaw]

ok thats...... funny kinda lol


do another do anther

u could try adding a chestburster to it?

[Xenomrph]

Expect more characters. Many more characters.

[Alienclaw]

when do you think that you'll have the next one up?

and what characters do you have in mind? i think gimpy would be a nice addition

[Xenomrph]

I'll probably write some more tonight.

Planned characters:

Aliens:
- Drone # 103
- Drone # 244
- Gimpy (Drone #77)
- Drone # 512
- Warrior # 12
- Warrior # 15
- The Queen

Predators:
- Urg (UnBlooded)
- Huglak (UnBlooded)
- Powk (Blooded)
- Nameless One (Clan Elder)

Humans (Marine Squad: "The Stand-up Grunts"):
- Sgt. Will Tennyson (Squad lead)
- Cpl. Andy Helle (squad sniper)
- PFC Mary Ubeth (squad medic)
- Pvt. David Leonard (smartgunner)
- Pvt. Fred Bennings (squad support)
- Elliot 215-C (synthe-- err... artificial person)
- Damon Dellamarggio (unaffiliated civillian advisor)

There will be other occasional characters that come and go, as well.

[the_demigod]

This reminds me of an ancient ActionXtreme thread called "alien dialogues"...

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[Xenomrph]

Must've been ancient... I certainly don't remember it.

I might post another improv'ed part of the story tonight. I've got a lot of bad shit on my mind (relationship bullshit), but maybe writing some comedy will help me clear my head. I dunno.

[Xenomrph]

Taking "Marine banter" to a whole new level!
For those of you out there who don't realize it, "Damon Dellamarggio" is *my* name.

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"Now, listen up Marines! We're gonna go in there, and we're gonna kick some Alien ass! We're gonna-- what is it, Private?"

"Sir. Do Aliens even have asses? Sir," Pvt. Bennings asked.

"Well, how the hell am I supposed to know, son? Never really got the chance to go up to one and ask. Why? Looking to 'get some action'?"

"No such thing, sir. I just like to be well-informed before engaging the enemy."

"And the presence of an ass, or lack thereof, is vital to the mission success, sir," quipped Pvt. Leonard.

"Well, that's fine and dandy, Private. Lucky for you losers we brought onboard our very own civillian advisor. Say hello to Mr. Dellamarggio," Sgt. Tennyson indicated the civillian standing to his left.

"Good afternoon, folks. I'll be here to offer any suggestions and answer any questions you all may have-- yes, you, the one with your hand up?"

"Pvt. Leonard. Do Aliens have asses?"

"Erm, well..."

"Yes or no will do."

"No, then."

"I'm glad that's settled," Bennings said. "But how do you know?"

"I went up to one and asked," was Damon's reply.

"So how'd you learn so damn much about the Aliens?" asked Leonard.

"Experience. Lots and lots of experience."

PFC Ubeth and Pvt. Bennings traded significant glances.

"Right. 'Experience'. So what can we expect here?"

"Well... it's your standard hive... full of Aliens. Expect to fire your guns a bit."

"BEYOND that."

"Well, there's undoubtedly a Queen--"

"A what?"

"A Queen Alien. Lays the eggs and stuff. The hive centers around her."

"So now there's girl Aliens?"

"Gee, Bennings, you might finally get laid. Lord knows every HUMAN woman has already turned you down."

"You haven't yet, Ubeth."

Mary Ubeth stretched out her right arm, and extended her middle finger.

"That's not a no..." Bennings said with a smile.

"Well. Day wouldn't be complete if Mary hadn't flipped Bennings off. And I was afraid it wouldn't happen," Cpl. Helle said.

"Fuck you, Helle," Bennings said, and cuffed him on the shoulder.

"Hey! Don't touch the armor. Now I gotta clean it again," Helle broke out a rag and some cleaning solution and started scrubbing at the shoulder-plate.

"As I was saying... the Queen lays the eggs and directs the other Aliens in the hive..."

"Directs them how?"

"Um, we suspect telepathically."

"Telepathically? Shit, that's just creepy. Reading our minds and stuff? Damn."

"We don't know that Aliens can do THAT much... but even if they could, what would you do about it?" Damon asked.

"Not a damn thing," Leonard said with a smile.

"Yeah, your mind is filthy enough," Ubeth quipped.

"Damn straight. Queen Alien tries to read my mind, she'll just kill herself. I'd be the hero of the Marine corp. One-man bug-killer."

"Well... the Queen isn't exactly a 'she'." Damon added.

"Wha'd'ya mean? It's a Queen, right?"

"Yeah, but Aliens are asexual. Reproduce without mating or two separate genders."

"Huh. Takes the fun right out of it," Bennings said.

"...and eliminates your chance of 'gettin' it on'," Leonard added. Bennings effected a look of mock-disappointment.

"Sergeant Tennyson?"

"What is it, Corporal?"

"What is our mission, exactly?"

"We're gonna bust into the Alien hive, kill as many of those sum-bitches as we can, and then get the hell out. Command wants this place sterilized so they can set up a new base on this rock. Talk to Damon if you've got anymore questions, otherwise go to Elliot, and he'll help prep your gear."

* * *

"...and another thing," Drone 244 said.

"Yeah?"

"What's up with those Praetorians? Do they exist? Don't they exist?"

"Hell if I know. I sure haven't seen one."

"Warriors keep mentioning 'em like they're some spook story, 'don't disobey the Queen or the Praetorians will come eat you...', crap like that."

"Jeez, man. You think they're telling the truth?"

"C'mon, they're Warriors. They do whatever the hell they feel like. Frankly, I don't give a shit. Why would they kill one of us? We're vital to the hive's survival and success."

Drone 103 laughed.

"What?"

"'Vital to the hive's survival and success'. It wasn't just funny that you said it at all - it was HOW you said it that made it even better!"

"What? You don't think we matter?"

"Shit, no. Queen would send us to die in a heartbeat, make another one just like us."

"But--"

"But nothing. We're cannon fodder. We do what we're told. Makes you feel insignificant, doesn't it?"

"Well, yeah."

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More some other time. I'm too tired right now.